Searching for light

I shouldn’t be surprised that I got angry last night. I completely lost my temper, and yelled at my family. I threw a serving spoon on the ground, and stormed upstairs. My anger had been simmering for days. I felt resentful, scared, sad, and lonely. I felt the anger in my body as a small burning sensation in my mid-back and tension in my jaw. When our kids were younger, there would be days when they completely lost control. Everyone would be miserable as we got sucked into their tantrums. Then, without fail, the next day, the child at the center of the drama would wake up sick. Every single time it happened we reminded ourselves that this was always the case. Our kids were good natured and generally easy to parent, but whenever we noticed that complete loss of control, we failed to remember the pattern, and let ourselves get pulled into the storm.

Well, it happened to me, and I failed to recognize it. I stopped taking care of myself. The last day I did an online workout was over a week ago. That doesn’t sound unreasonable, but it turns out that all of the work I do to keep myself grounded is essential. I have been practicing qi gong almost daily, taking walks outside, and taking time to rest. When I prioritize those things, I have the energy to make healthy meals, take care of my family, and be engaged in the community. The minute I start to forget the importance of self-care, things spiral fast. Add that to a few days of eating sufganiyot and other junk food for Hanukkah, and I was set up for a crash.

Just a sample of sufganiyot (and homemade Moroccan Sfenj) we’ve had so far

Yesterday, we turned Kayla’s tiyul with Akiva into a family outing. Danny’s work computer was hacked last week, and he was unable to get anything done. We hadn’t made any plans for Hanukkah break. Another family expressed interest in joining the trip to Mount Meron and Tsfat, so Akiva opened up the trip to families. I knew when I woke up in the morning that I should stay home to take care of myself. My nose was congested, I was sneezing, and I had low energy. Instead of listening to my body telling me that it needed to rest, I took an allergy pill, extra drops of Vitamin D, and some advil, and hurried the kids into the car. I was so afraid of missing out on a fun excursion that I pushed myself when I knew it was not the best idea for me.

Start of the “Peak Trail” on Mt. Meron

For some reason, I have never had a good experience in Tsfat. Maybe it is the emphasis on the spiritual aspects of a town that I find dirty and unkempt. Perhaps it is my own lack of confidence in my personal spirituality. Akiva said most people either love it or hate it. I guess I fit into the latter group. The hike at Mt. Meron was nice, but it was a cool, damp, overcast day. We have been taking so many beautiful hikes on sunny days that being out in the cold didn’t feel energizing for me. The temperature in Tsfat was even cooler, and the town felt almost desolate without tourists. Most of the shops were shuttered, and many tourist attractions were closed. Akiva ran into a few friends in town, and they told him that many stores have closed permanently. People simply can’t keep their businesses without the tourist revenue. I was frustrated seeing the ultra-orthodox residents of Tsfat walking around without masks. The falafel stand where we stopped for lunch had 2 employees, neither of whom wore masks or gloves while preparing the food. Each little frustration started to build until I could no longer ignore the anger I was carrying.

Empty streets and closed art galleries in Tsfat

Little fights with the kids spiraled. Misunderstandings ensued. By dinnertime, I was out of control. The entire situation was a setup for failure, and that is what I got. I slept fitfully last night, and woke up forced to acknowledge that I have a cold . My body took over, and illness made me to stop. I made chicken soup, and am still sitting in my pajamas. Kayla took over my volunteer job this afternoon at the English book shop (apparently the kids Hanukkah book sale was a big success). Moving forward, it is essential for me to remember not to let things go this far.

At least the kids were in good spirits on the tiyul

This is the darkest time of the year. We have to work harder to find the light in all of this darkness. Although I was upset last night, I logged on to a zoom class that I have been taking through Ayeka about Rav Kook’s mystical approach to the Jewish people. I didn’t say anything on the call – in fact, my mic was muted and my video was off. About 30 minutes into the class, we were put into breakout sessions in small groups. I opened up, and told the small group about my outburst and how I was feeling. One person offered a teaching from Ram Dass, and another asked how I would feel if I let go of all the anger. It is always amazing to me how we are willing to talk about our deepest fears with complete strangers, but unwilling to open up with those closest to us. My hope is that I can allow the light from each new candle this week to open up those darkened places in my soul, and rededicate the relationships that are the most important to me.

Saturday night candle lighting outside on our alleyway

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6 Comments

  1. Karli, I am blown away by how well you know yourself and are able to express your feelings. Proud of you for sharing this so publicly and in that way, becoming a role model for us all. I love you sooooooo much!! Holding you across the distance and hoping you can take a break and let that wonderful family of your step in so you can rest and feel better. As Daniel tiger sings, “When you’re sick, rest is best, rest is BEST!” Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Karli, my heart goes out to you in this most stressful time of the year. A mom is the go to person in a family, and at the same time, mom’s place unrealistic expectations on themselves. You are so right that you must consider yourself too, because when you don’t, things fall apart and you suffer more. Taking the time to get over your cold will make everything look better on the other side. Be kind to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It sounds like you are already on the mend, and your awareness of what tipped the balance has really been cemented in your mind. Looking after number one is vital to being able to look after everyone else. Being able to talk about it is such a positive step. We all love you and want your light to shine strongly and steadily for your whole lifetime. Sometimes a little darkness makes us realize how much we love and need the light.

    Liked by 1 person

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